


Emotional detachment

by LaGemini



Series: Mycroft appreciation [11]
Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Anthea (Sherlock) is the Best PA, Mycroft Feels, Poor Mycroft, Post-Episode: s04e03 The Final Problem
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-30
Updated: 2020-08-30
Packaged: 2021-03-06 17:33:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,726
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26192713
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LaGemini/pseuds/LaGemini
Summary: Mycroft sighed. He knows he's on the verge of falling apart. He hoped he didn't have to take this step, but it seems like he needs to. He sighed once more, and closed his eyes.Mycroft was breaking down with all the guilt and his parents' reproach after the final problem. He needed to delete all the emotional attachment to survive.It could be depressing and I don't think it's a happy ending even though it's not necessarily a sad ending. You are warned.
Series: Mycroft appreciation [11]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1888726
Comments: 19
Kudos: 177
Collections: Sherlock (BBC)





	Emotional detachment

Mycroft sighed. He knows his mental state isn’t exactly healthy. Well, that’s an understatement. He knows he’s on the verge of breaking.

He also knows that their family visit to Eurus next Thursday would be traumatic for him, even though he doesn’t like to admit it.

It would be a first time he’ll see Eurus in flesh after the game, and it would undoubtedly bring up memories he would very much like to delete. Sherlock pointing the gun on himself, for example. And it’s not just the memory that will torment him. His guilt are already eating him away.

He sighed once more. He doesn’t have much of a choice, according to his calculations. He would surely fall apart after facing Eurus and getting blamed of all of his insufficiency again. Sentiments, he thought grimly. Caring definitely is not an advantage. Only if he could heed that warning himself without needing to do this.

He needed to take this step after Eurus’ actions when he was young. He hoped he didn’t have to this time, since it would encompass almost all of him, but it seems like he has to.

He closed his eyes a bit longer than a blink, and opened with determination.

He assumed a pose he takes whenever he has to go deep into his mind palace – which Dr. Watson would describe as Sherlock’s thinking pose – in his private study.

It will take some time, so he should do it now before he has to go back to work tomorrow morning. He closed his eyes.

=====

Sherlock noticed right away when the CCTVs stopped following him. It instantly worried him, thinking there may be some complications at Mycroft’s work.

But he saw – stalked – Mycroft going to work and Diogenes club as he usually does, albeit a bit more tiredly than usual, and discarded that idea.

Maybe Mycroft agreed with Mummy that he’s a grownup – _Ha!_ – and decided that he doesn’t need any more constant surveillance and protection? Sherlock has wanted that, even though him being grownup is just laughable, but he has a feeling that something’s very wrong to simply be overjoyed by the fact.

That feeling only intensified on the way to the Sherrinford with their parents. Mycroft was his usual polite and smug presence, but something was _off_.

Sherlock scrutinized Mycroft all the way to the Sherrinford with narrowed eyes, but Mycroft only smiled back blandly or raised his eyebrow silently. The reaction wasn’t unusual, but Sherlock couldn’t shake the feeling of something being wrong.

They reached the island before Sherlock could figure out what, though, and Sherlock put off the thought. He knows he needs to be careful dealing with Eurus, even though she has retreated and he wants to be a good big brother. He’s not naïve to think that they will live happily ever after.

The visit went well, all things considered, but as soon as Sherlock let the guard down now that they are away from Eurus, he felt apprehension coming back in full force. But he still couldn’t figure out exactly what is bugging him.

All the way back to the flat was spent basically same. His parents wanted to see Rosie so Mycroft arranged the car to drop them off at 221B before going back to work. And Sherlock was watching Mycroft more fiercely, enough for their parents to notice, but Mycroft still was just smiling blandly.

Mycroft’s expression only changed when they reached the flat. As Sherlock went up ahead with violin case, parents Holmes following, and Mycroft carrying small bags of their parents’, they stopped short at seeing someone unexpected on the couch.

John got up seeing the Holmes with relief. “Sherlock. Mr. Holmes, Mrs. Homles, Mycroft.” He had been feeling awkward, not knowing what to say with a stranger. Now that they are here, he won’t have to.

“Rudy.” Mummy addressed the man on the couch with surprise. “What are you doing here?”

Uncle Rudy answered gruffly. “Anthea called. She said she felt something off, and you will head here.” He was holding a teacup John must have provided, undoubtedly.

Mummy furrowed her brows in confusion. “Anthea? What…?”

Mycroft was the only one who knows what this is about. He sighed at his PA’s protectiveness. There was no need to contact uncle Rudy. He put the bag down beside the door and greeted him. “I’m glad you are looking well, uncle Rudy.” He gave him his usual smile. But it must have alerted his uncle somehow.

Uncle Rudy dropped the cup at the greeting. He was staring at Mycroft with shocked eyes, and it worried Sherlock, with his earlier feelings of _wrongness_ accumulated high. Parents Holmes and John were glancing between the two with confusion.

“Son,” Uncle Rudy gasped. “Oh, Mycroft, what have you done?” He sounded completely heartbroken.

Mycroft sighed. He hoped he could hide it from others to avoid irksome pestering that will sure to come now. He had been sure he could have kept it hidden from Sherlock or his parents, but uncle Rudy knew him too well.

Mycroft lifted his eyebrow indifferently, now that he doesn’t have to pretend. “You know the answer to that, uncle Rudy.” He answered calmly, blandly.

Sherlock noticed that the sheer feeling of _wrongness_ increased tenfold at Mycroft’s manner. He felt a chill running down his spine. Mycroft looked as if…

“Mycroft,” uncle Rudy called desperately. “How much?”

Mycroft tilted his head slightly. “I am sorry to say that it includes most of my life. I didn’t know that they were so interweaved throughout almost everything.” He didn’t sound sorry in the least, though. He looked utterly calm and indifferent.

He looked as if he doesn’t _care_.

Holmeses and John weren’t following the conversation, but they could tell that something definitely is wrong.

But before they could find out what, Mycroft declared first. “I’m afraid I have to go back to work now. The car will be ready when you need to go back to the hotel. And if you need anything regarding other things in the future, Anthea could take care of it, mummy, father, Sherlock. If you require a car as well, uncle Rudy, I can let Anthea to arrange one. Dr. Watson.” With a polite nod, Mycroft turned to go out of the door.

“Mycroft.” Father called him rather desperately, and he couldn't say anything as Mycroft turned. Everyone felt icy chills at Mycroft’s expression when he turned at the calling.

Mycroft raised his eyebrow politely and inclined his head slightly to indicate he’s listening, but his expression and eyes were utterly indifferent. They never saw Mycroft directing those kind of mannerism to them, the polite indifference he put up for a stranger. Even on their first meeting, John thought, Mycroft wasn’t that indifferent.

Mycroft quirked his brow a bit more at the silence, and he nodded politely once more before leaving without any further words.

There was a brief silence of occupants watching the disappearing form of Mycroft. Then Sherlock turned sharply to uncle Rudi. “What was that?” Sherlock didn’t want to admit it, but he could hear fear and desperation from his voice.

That brought uncle Rudy back, and he scrubbed his face harshly before picking up the teacup and trying to find something to wipe the spilled tea. “You should sit down.” He said gravely.

John was indecisive of whether he should be here or not. He knows parents Holmes are here to see Rosie, but this seemed to be a family business. He busied himself to wipe the tea trying to figure out what to do.

Uncle Rudy noticed it and put an end to John’s hesitation. “Thank you, Dr. Watson. You might stay. It will affect you as well, undoubtedly, and it will be easier for you to understand if you stay.”

Parents Holmes sat down on the couch and Sherlock sat down on his seat as well. He didn’t press uncle Rudy to tell them what’s wrong right now. He has a feeling that he doesn’t want to hear it.

When John wiped all the tea, prepared fresh pot, and sat down on his seat with Rosie on his lab, uncle Rudy finally started. “I don’t know what exactly I should call it, but the closest thing I could name it is deleting emotion.”

It didn’t alleviate their confusion, though. “But it’s not possible to delete emotion, is it?” John checked with Sherlock just in case it _is_ possible. As far as he knows, it didn’t seem possible with Sherlock, even though Sherlock wanted to deny the existence. And Sherlock’s confused expression told John that he’s right.

Uncle Rudy sighed heavily and elaborated. “It’s not removing the ability to feel. It’s more like deleting every memory of feeling that emotion in the past.”

He continued seeing the disbeliefs. “Let’s say you are close to someone due to past experiences you had been through with them. If you delete memories of feeling something from every memory you had had with them – happiness, fondness, anger, exasperation, disappointment, etc. – you would have a memory of being close with them and know why, but it won’t likely to induce you same emotional response if you see them again.”

Uncle Rudy tried to wet his dry lip. “That’s what he did. Mycroft… he… he deleted all the emotional memories he had regarding us. He knows intellectually that he had cared for us in the past, and he knows why he made certain choices in the past due to those emotional attachments, but we’re basically just acquaintances to him now that he erased all the memories of actually feeling something with or at us. He… doesn’t care for us, at least currently.” He whispered.

Everyone stared at uncle Rudy disbelievingly. That couldn’t be possible. It just couldn’t.

“No. You are wrong. He, he cared enough to accompany us today, to see Eurus.” Mummy denied vehemently.

“I think it was just Mycroft trying to hide what he did to prevent any complications of explaining things and such. I’m not sure he will in the future now that we know. You heard him saying that we should contact Anthea if we need something, not him. He will provide comfort to us, but only because it’s not much of a hassle to him and because of a sense of duty. Nothing more.” Uncle Rudy said sorrowfully.

John felt that his jaw was in the perpetual state of being unhinged. He never heard anyone could do that. And he couldn’t imagine Mycroft being less than overbearing of Sherlock. But it was also true that he never saw that utter indifference in Mycroft’s face towards them.

“How… how do you know this?” Sherlock rasped.

“I saw him do it before. With Eurus. I asked when I noticed something different, and he explained it to me.”

Mummy’s expression hardened slightly at the mention of Eurus. “So he deleted all the emotional ties with Eurus?”

Uncle Rudy paused at the criticism he could hear in his sister’s voice and narrowed his eyes at her. “What happened exactly? I only heard that she staged a cruel game and tried to kill Mycroft, Sherlock, and Dr. Watson. I thought Mycroft took this step because of that, but come to think of it, he doesn’t have to do that if it’s just Eurus’ attempt on his life. It wasn’t the first time, after all.”

“Are you talking about Musgrave? It was Victor who was killed, not Mycroft.” Father asked, still not being able to say that it was Eurus killed Victor. Just that Victor was killed.

Uncle Rudy widened his eyes with disbelief. “You mean he didn’t tell you now that you know?” And he narrowed his eyes. “Oh, of course. Typical Mycroft.”

“What is it, Rudy?” Mummy asked sharply.

Uncle Rudy stared at them for a moment, internally debating whether to say it or not. They are hoping to form some kind of connection with Eurus, he heard. This might be change their attitudes. But it’s also true that they need to know what she is capable of, then. “The fire on Musgrave. It was to kill Mycroft. He wasn’t susceptible to her manipulation, so Eurus took a physical route.” He raised his hand to stop parent’s Holmes’ protest of that can’t be true. “And after that as well.”

Uncle Rudy scrubbed his face a bit more forcefully at their uncomprehending expression. Jesus, Mycroft didn’t say _anything?_ “You know why I decided to hide her survival from you, right? Sherrinford does not allow visits, even from immediate family members. You wouldn’t have been able to see her for the rest of your lives even if you knew about her survival. You are allowed now only because of Mycroft’s power. And he acquired that power only about a decade ago.”

Parents Holmes opened and closed their mouths for a few times. They didn’t know that. “I still would have wanted to know.” Mummy said finally, but her voice was weak. She knows it could have driven her insane, constantly wondering if her daughter is actually alive and well.

Uncle Rudy ignored it. “When Mycroft had enough power to request visits to her, the Queen allowed physical and psychological evaluation to see if Eurus is fit for visit. At her physical evaluation, she raped the nurse.” He said crudely. There was no way to say that gently. And it's not something to defend.

Parents Holmes gasped in horror. Sherlock and John heard of the incident, but didn’t know it was under those circumstances.

“Mycroft attempted once more after lengthy persuasion. He was present physically this time to prevent others to be manipulated, and Eurus jumped at him. I heard that she bashed him on the wall, cracking three of his ribs and giving him a severe concussion. He only managed to avoid losing his eyes or puncturing his lung by a hair’s breadth. The Queen had forbidden any other attempts after that. She threatened with Sherlock’s consultant detective position, as far as I know. You do know you could have that title officially only because of Mycroft, right?” Uncle Rudy raised his eyebrow toward Sherlock. He didn’t wait for the answer. It’s not important whether Sherlock knows it or not.

“After that, Mycroft deleted all the emotional memories related to Eurus. He intellectually knew the Musgrave fire was for him, but it was indirect attempt that allowed him to be in denial. He couldn’t, after her physically jumping at him. He was breaking apart, so much so that I was on the verge of forcing him to go see a psychiatrist. But about a month later, he looked normal. Not slowly getting better by overcoming it, but snapping back to how he was before. When I asked, he told me what he did.” He finished regretfully.

Holmeses were speechless. They only heard that Mycroft visited Eurus time to time…

“What does that mean now, then? Is it reversible?” John asked feeling the oppressive silence.

Uncle Rudy fiddled the teacup for a moment, thinking. “I am not sure. He won’t revoke any privileges he gave you, such as consulting detective position, Dr. Watson’s gun permit, or your visits to Sherrinford. But I think he won’t waste his resources watching out for you, he most likely would make Anthea to deal with you, he won't accompany you to Sherrinford, and such. Treat you like his mere acquaintances with providing comfort out of habit and duty.” He let out a stuttering sigh.

“Is it reversible? I don’t know. Others can’t, that’s for sure, but Mycroft himself? Maybe or maybe not. I didn’t ask him before because it was obvious that he would fall apart if he get the emotional attachment to Eurus back. After seeing Sherlock remembering his deleted childhood memories, I think he might be able to, but I’m not sure it won’t destroy him. We might lose him completely if he does.”

There was an utter silence for minutes before Sherlock let out a strangled voice. “That’s why there’s no CCTVs following me now…”

Rudy didn’t know that, but he could have guessed. He nodded regretfully.

“Don’t look so disbelieving. Compared to what Eurus can do, Mycroft manipulating his own mind on some level is plausible, isn’t it? Sherlock does erase information all the time as well.” Uncle Rudy added to his sister and her husband, rightly deducing that they are in the process of denial.

That didn’t make them snap back to reality, though. Rudy sighed. It will be apparent soon enough.

“You should be ready of him giving you cold shoulders. You know Mycroft isn't exactly friendly to his acquaintances. And as I said, I don’t know what happened, but he did this because he was cornered mentally. What was so eating him away to delete us all - his almost sole objects of care -, I don’t know, but I have no doubt about that.” He said sadly. He should’ve checked on Mycroft earlier after the Sherrinford. He might have seen how much Mycroft was suffering.

Just then, Rudy’s phone rang. He checked, it was Anthea. He put it on speaker.

“Anthea, you heard what happened?” Rudy asked without greeting.

“No, but Mr. Holmes gave some unusual orders, and… Did he really delete them?” Anthea asked. She suspected it from Monday, but she wanted a verification. She was already a PA when it first happened.

Rudy nodded gravely, even though he knew Anthea couldn’t see him. “He said it included almost everything. What about you?”

“I think he deleted us cleaning after Sherlock’s mess, but other things seem to be intact. He wasn’t that different towards me.” Anthea’s tone was calm, but they could hear hidden relief under it. She didn’t want to start over the process of earning Mr. Holmes’ trust and their friendship. It was hard the first time.

Sherlock couldn’t keep himself from feeling a spike of jealousy. Why could she survive from the deletion when he couldn’t?

Mummy spoke up. “Anthea. What… what did he order?” She felt the start of despair even before she heard the answer.

Anthea hesitated. “I… That he will entrust every correspondence with you to me. Withdraw surveillances of Sherlock and his acquaintances, withdraw any security measures, make your calls rerouted to me, and forbid you from coming to his offices or house without prior appointment. Give you rides or allow visits to Sherrinford if you ask me, and he will keep handling the funds and trust funds unless you want to handle it on your own.” She finished apologetically. It was only an outline, and she knows Mr. Holmes didn’t specify everything because it wasn’t necessary to give detailed orders to her.

“…What?” Mummy let out faintly after trying to work her mouth a few times.

“He won’t push you away. If you need to make an appointment with Mr. Holmes, I’ll make sure you could meet him as soon as possible.” Anthea promised.

“Because he doesn’t care enough to push us away.” Sherlock said dully. He thinks his vision is swimming slightly.

Anthea was silent over the line. Her words won’t console them.

“Do you think there’s possibility of him restoring the memories?” Father asked desperately.

“I don’t recommend that, Mr. Holmes.” Anthea’s voice became hard. “And I’m not saying it because I was spared of the deleting. I would have let it be even though I was deleted as well. You haven't noticed him suffering, have you? I was afraid of him committing a suicide after you came by at the office, when he informed you of Eurus Holmes’ survival. And from what I heard, he was ready to die at the final problem. I would rather start over earning his trust and friendship than see him die. Deleting is his way of surviving.”

Her tone was slightly clipped by the end. They couldn’t want to make Mr. Holmes restore the memories if they noticed how much he was suffering. “And honestly, even though it is possible without risks, I’m not sure there’s anyone left who could persuade him to do that.” She was relatively sure that she was the closest one to Mr. Holmes now emotionally, and she doesn’t think she could persuade him to do it. Because she won't.

Mummy buried her face on her hands. Her shoulder was trembling. Father wasn’t much behind, with his hands trembling noticeably.

Sherlock was staring into the space numbly. His brain refused to comprehend what happened.

Uncle Rudy’s face was grim, already knowing what entailed the deletion.

John glanced at them worriedly. It was better than Mycroft committing suicide, he thinks, because there's still a chance of building something new, but it wasn’t anything light. It almost sounded like one of his family suffering hopeless case of amnesia and keeping their distance from him. And Mycroft isn't exactly an easy person to get close to from the start.

Anthea sighed at the silence. “I have to go back to work. If you need something, let me know. Mr. Holmes won’t stop me providing you as much as I can. But I can’t guarantee you the things I need his approval to provide, except for the visits to Sherrinford. That means I can’t give you much of a leeway, Sherlock, Dr. Watson. Be careful from now on with the protocols at the crime scene. Your consultant detective status might be revoked if you act like before.” With that, Anthea disconnected with a goodbye.

Anthea sighed heavily after ending the call. She couldn’t help but pity the heartaches they will go through in the future at Mr. Holmes’ indifference. (Although small part of her thinks it's what they deserve with all the heartaches and suffering they put Mr. Holmes through)

And her heart aches at thinking how much Mr. Holmes must have suffered to take this route and at Mr. Holmes’ loneliness in the future. He didn’t have many he cared to start with. His family was one thing that gave him emotional closeness – and hardships as well – and now that he doesn’t have that…

She sighed once more before going back to her desk. She hoped Mr. Holmes’ family could win his heart back. Before then, she would have to look out for them for Mr. Holmes. Mr. Holmes allowed them quite a leeway for Sherlock to not overstep the boundary soon.

**Author's Note:**

> I think my 'Mycroft feels and is mentally unhealthy' & 'make Holmes family regret' muse comes during my period lol. Being called a reptile or not, Mycroft DID care for his family a lot. I wanted parents Holmes to regret their harsh reactions to Mycroft. (They weren't good parents to him in my interpretation) And I thought that if Eurus can manipulate others bordering on psychic level, why couldn't Mycroft do that with his own mind, at least? This is the result.  
> I hope you enjoyed it :)


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